A Great Misfortune
by Lee Savage
Summary: Formerly named "He's A What!" Antauri admits a dark secret to Chiro. OOC. Canon dies here. Rated for vague, suggestive themes. A few plot bunnies were slightly battered in the making of this oneshot. Declared the crackiest oneshot in SRMTHG! of the year!


He's A What?!

Chiro nearly bit off his own tongue. "You're my WHAT?!"

Antauri sighed and folded his hands in his lap. "I'm your father."

The boy sitting up on the silver table in the med bay restrained himself from having a seizure in his cheek muscles. "...wha?"

The sterling simian sighed again. "I met your mother. We fell in love and married. Then, we...commingled..."

The Chosen One's eyebrows rose in honest confusion.

Surprisingly, his mentor looked uncharacteristically flustered. Raising one arm for a second, he rushed out the next words with slight irritation, "We married, we had sex..."

Chiro gagged at the last word like it was some horrible plague. The words "Antauri" and "sex" went together like "Nova" and "dress."

"She gave birth to you..." Antauri stopped for a moment when both of the teenager's hands flew to his mouth and his cheeks turned a shade of maroon. Suppressed sounds came from beneath the bare hands, and for a second, Antauri was about to call Gibson. However, he soon discovered what the boy was doing.

"Chiro, may I ask what is so amusing?"

The boy burst into fits of loud laughter. He couldn't help. The second-in-command expected Gibson or any of the others to rush in asking if Chiro was dying, since his voice was rough due to a severe cold that left him hacking for days, so his laughter sounded like he was trying to hack up an organ. Surprisingly, nobody approached. It was as if they suspected why Chiro was doing that. Antauri remained calm, stood up quietly and sternly crossed his arms.

"Alright," the kid finally choked out, "Where're the others hiding the camera?" Tears were running down his eyes from his hard fit as he smiled lopsidedly.

This time Antauri raised an eyebrow. "I beg your pardon?"

"Duh! This is obviously some prank Sprx made up after I defeated him at Intergalactic Spaceboy IV nineteen times. And trust me, this is the lamest as they come." Surprisingly, Chiro's face grew solemn like a mother chastising her troublesome child. "I still can't believe you went along with it, 'Tauri. What'd they promise you, huh? Lavender-scented candles?" For a moment, his blue eyes glowed with triumph.

His mentor and guardian squinted his eyes. "Chiro, I would never play a part in one of Sprx's immature jokes, and I definitely would not try to fool you with such a personal matter as your parenthood."

They gazed intently into each other's eyes for a moment.

"Yeah, right..." Chiro huffed and crossed his arms. "...so...when's it gonna start growing?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I'm fifteen, I'm still going through puberty, so when's all the body hair gonna start growing out of my face, huh?"

"It's not like that..."

"Where were you when I was in that stupid orphanage, huh? Sleeping?"

"Chiro--"

"Don't you mean "Son" or some dumb pet name? Should I start calling you "Dad" or "Daddykins?" the teen shouted.

"Not if you don't prefer..."

"HOW did this happen?!! I'm human. You were born a monkey. It's technically..." Chiro placed his hands over his ears and screamed, "HOLY SHUGGAZOOM NOW I SOUND LIKE GIBSON! _**I SOUND LIKE GIBSON AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! I HATE YOU!**_"

To the question, Antauri calmLy said, "It's actually very simple."

"No! NOO! _**NOOOOOOOOOO**__!"_

"Chiro, Chiro! Wake up!"

Chiro bolted straight up in his bed, his hair tangled and in his mind. He softly blew it away and placed a hand to his throbbing temple, fighting the urge to cry.

"Chiro, are you okay?"

The boy turned his head and looked at the cobalt eyes of the silver monkey.

"Chiro, what happened? I heard you screaming in your sleep...I fear that your fever may have returned, should I escort you to the med bay?"

"NO!" Chiro growled firmly, and Antauri tried to hide his shock at the boy's fierceness.

Slowly, the primate started, "Maybe it would be best if..."

"Are you my father?"

Antauri met the teenager's eyes and found them to be dead serious.

"No. About your dre--"

"Did you ever have sex with my mom?"

Antauri's white pupils widened. "Er...no Chiro. I hardly knew your mother."

Chiro looked relieved and slumped his shoulders. "Well, that's good. It was just a stupid dream. I'm never eating Otto's weird meat soup again."

Antauri leaned to one side awkwardly. "I do recall, however, Mandarin once..."

_**"NOOOOOOO!!"**_

"Kid! Wake up! Snap out of it!"

Chiro bolted up again from his soft bed, sweating and aching from whiplash. He turned and looked, dazed, at the red monkey that gazed at him at his bedside.

"Chiro, what's up Antauri sa--"

"Pleeease," the boy whined. "I don't want to talk about him for a trillion lifecycles...I can't be in any shape or form related to him or Mandarin, can I? That impossible, right?"

Sprx cocked his head sideways, "Hey...kid, are you alright?"

Chiro smiled weakly and replied, "Yeah, sure. Never better."

The hotshot's mouth turned into a wide grin. "That's good!" he exclaimed, then his expression turned grim and he observed Chiro closely. "Hey, kid..."

"Yea?"

"Do you know at this light you kinda look like Antauri..."

_**"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"**_

---

A/N- Me+humorbad.

It's 12:50 A.M. I'm tired.


End file.
